10 Ways to Sound "Well-Read" Without Ever Reading

I know you're busy. I understand. I also know you want to impress people with your intelligence without them being all judgmental about the whole not reading thing. 

These simple tips will have you looking like the intelligentsia in no time! Just be wary, the philosophers and academics are the first to go after the revolution comes.

 

1. Instead of saying "I didn't read [insert book name], it's too long," say "I didn't finish [insert book name], it's full of gratuitous filler." 

You definitely could have finished Moby Dick. You chose not to. For aesthetic reasons.

This is a real art print for a children's room... Strange inspiration.

2. When someone asks if you've read a specific book, say it's not in your milieu. 

That means you're rejecting it socially, instead of rejecting it in favor of Disney+.

3. Describe small tasks as "The Hero's Journey."

Went to the store at a busy time? You accomplished the Hero's Journey. You're basically Odysseus.

4. Also, compare yourself with Odysseus. 

He's a guy who went on a really long trip and left his wife to handle everything on her own. Next time you get into the car for a long drive, shout boldly, "Like Odysseus, we struggle onward!" before you start driving.

5. Respond to requests with "I would prefer not to."

It's from a short story.This guy decides to stop doing things. It's about existentialism. And like, why do stuff? He's a folk hero for people who don't have to work to feed themselves. Use his catchphrase to up your cache.

6. Refuse to read "popular" books. 

By avoiding books and repeatedly telling people you're avoiding them, you'll appear even smarter with no work. Avoid whole genres this way! SciFi, Romance, Historical Fiction, everything really!

7. Recommend bookstore cafes. 

They're so hot right now. For bonus points, get a latte and sit in one for a while. No need to open a book. Talk about the aesthetic.

8. Put literary quotes on your Instagram. 

Be mindful of what they imply. Shakespeare quotes imply you have feelings. Ernest Hemingway quotes imply you're a white man with things to say. Jane Austen quotes imply you have a sense of humor. Be ready to back that up!

9. Call a book "derivative." 

Since all stories are inspired by thousands of years of human storytelling and at least several hundred years of novels, everything derives somewhat from previous work, so it works for anything.

http://www.sfcenter.ku.edu/SF-Defined.htm

10. Replace "episodes" with "chapters".

"I got through 23 chapters last Saturday when I was depressed at home. Yes, 23. Only took me 11 1/2 hours."